{jcomments on}Lady W. (50) tells me whilst covered in tears: “My husband left me 4 years ago for a 10 year younger woman. As a result of that I started the divorce. But since then my life became without meaning, I cry a lot, I have no energy, I feel bad. I consult doctors because of my sleep disorders, I eat too much and I have regular headaches. I don’t know how to continue my life, I have no fun anymore in my work and I started taking pills to cope with this world. At occasions I take to the bottle. What’s wrong with me?”
My answer to lady W:
Dear lady W, I have the impression that you still did not digest the divorce, nor all the emotions that were there before. I sense that there is still a lot of sadness and apathy in you as a result of emotional wounds, like there can be after a separation. This sadness is even stronger when the husband puts a younger woman in front of his wife and/or wants to leave his wife for her which surely damages the self esteem of the abandoned partner.
However, staying in the situation of being sad and apathy will not lead to a solution. Neither will the use of pills and/or alcohol solve your problem. The situation that you describe to me makes me believe that you are in a depressive condition – a reactive depression – like it is called, due to the divorce and the abandon.
Of course this is not a comfort, but you are not the first one who is exposed to this kind of emotional earthquake after a divorce. Sure, you can feel overwhelmed and suffocated by this, but this is not the real meaning of life. Life has its glories and downturns and what you experience now is part of it, whether you like it or not.
Nowadays, the traditional harmonic partnership “till death do us part” becomes a rarity. Many American relational therapists have re-defined relationships into “life-sequence partnerships” because of the fact that we all grow older and that we are constantly developing and modifying our personality. And in this way also a marriage or a partnership has to develop and adjust it self - with the almost inevitable fights which are part of this adjustment process.
But when one is avoiding these processes and does not communicate properly about the imminent themes, then a partnership will almost certainly evolve in a faint connection where love will starve away and where the path for blaming each other will lead to separation or a new partner. The one who is left behind will have feelings of being used, betrayed and lied to and will be furious and aggressive or – the other end of the spectrum – will be depressed and apathetic
But please – 4 years of alcohol and pills – this cannot be a life! Believe me: your husband did not take another partner because “taking another woman to prove his machismo and sexual needs” is so funny. This behaviour only demonstrates the end of a process – a process that takes two players (you may not want to hear this, but it is the truth). Maybe you even overlooked what was happening to your marriage.
But now, after 4 years of depression and sadness, time has come to accept the way it is and to face the facts and leave the history where it should be: behind you!
Once again: stop mourning and accept the things how they are! Dead is dead and mourning, taking pills or alcohol will not help! Neither will maintaining your internal grave. Stop it, and take back your life. You are not helping yourself by repeatedly stirring into your old emotional mud. Aren’t you interested to experience happiness again, to see the sun shining, to start new activities and to find a new partner who hugs you? That is the real life and that should be your target. And please do remember: Dead is dead and mourning, taking pills or alcohol will not help! Neither will maintaining your internal grave.
My suggestion to you is to search for a therapist or someone who you trust. Start digesting all the emotional elements of your past relationship, divorce, etc so that you can avoid this happening again and that you can inhale again the breeze of life where the sun shines. … and in the case that you are a believer, then please go to your sacred place, put a candle and pray for you and your ex-husband, forgive to both and leave your anger, sadness and pain there. You deserve it, so please offer this to your self.
Yours Carlo L. Weichert (Therapist). Tel.: 928 532 549
Dear reader, if you still feel sad and depressed about the way your life is going, then I take the liberty to advise you to watch the video below. It is in English and although it is short and a caricature, it gets to the very point of life attitude when people are feeling to be in a dead-end. Enjoy the video and most important… think about its message.
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